Tu me manquez

You Are Missing From Me

 I don't know what to do with this feeling "tu me manquez" except to embrace it and write it down. Like a person going through a psychotic break with a scribe walking along taking notes on a clipboard, I am both. 

There are two worlds for me now; the world of regularity, of humanity and all my measurable time. People I have known, objects, symbols, sounds and familiar stories. It is the place of all my time and memories of you. I wake up and go to sleep and go about the business of the usual in this world but increasingly, I am living in a lucid dream from which I want to wake up. Everyone I know and everyone I love is here, except for you, Ian, and it feels all wrong. It feels foreign. 

Your world  is one of otherness...maybe it is an ether..... it is where I think you might be now. What I know of it is that it is a place of feelings and clues, of upside down reality with no before and after, only a bigness that can only be known by feel, not by fact. Every day at some point, I try to push my hand through and into it, searching for you. The more I think about the nature of this realm, the more I seek to know it, the closer and larger it comes. 

Living among most people feels uncomfortable now; I stand apart. Except for the few sweet people that lean in and hold onto me, I have let most everyone go, at least in my mind. Thankfully, they don't know or feel the absence of my spirit, and I don't need for them to read this vacancy. I am no longer engaged because these regular humans in this regular world have committed the crime of getting to continue to live and love while you and I cannot. At least not here.

But as my heart has shifted away from these people and this life, in nature have come the surprises. Last winter when you left, the coldness was a small comfort. It seemed apt. When Spring did come I hated it. How could Spring come with you not here? How could it dare do that....I wanted the final winter of your life to last forever. Then came this spring