Finding the Headwaters
Dear Ian,
It's been eventful since I decorated your tree in the Arctic. "Have a ceremony of letting go", Marie said, "Release him as he was, so you may know him as he is." I can see the truth of it, unfolding like a flower, when I go back and read my notes since Jordan and I visited her on your birthday last year.
It all makes more sense,
and as sure as the seasons, I change.
Here I am,
At the headwaters,
going downstream.
The current is moving me along again, as so many other times in my life. Stuck-ness has given way.
Movement comes from outside more than within, seemingly. Just like I have described it to others, it's like being jerked up, lifted, carried along.
Last week, when I took my pups walking at the boat ramp, you did this amazing thing (or we did it together). But first I have to go back a bit. What preceded it was my earnest effort to let you go, as you were, so I can better receive you back now, as you are. I'm weary of needing Elijah or Marie to interpret.....I wanted to be able to communicate and keep my focus independently.
And find you again.
It began with Marie, Elijah, and you demanding that I let you go.
This took a while.
I fought it hard.
It felt wrong.
But eventually I surrendered in to the notion
Because you asked me to so persistently.
That's how much I love you, Ian.
It helped that memories have become battery acid to me. Every time I am brought to remember our times together, it leaves me sick and miserable; crushed and ruined. Whatever we were, whatever we has become a burning house; photos and mementos being scoured with flame. I just couldn't bear the heat anymore, I have to flee them. Let them go.
As you have said to me,
"Those times are over
They're not coming back
I cannot reanimate them for you, Mom"
There is no death. You didn't die, you're still here, living some kind of life without confines of space and time and distance. Everywhere all at once. Able to be right here on the couch with me and Henry and also swirling in the arms of Creation Energy. I didn't lose you, I got you back, except more whole and developed ,,,,,,You are really cool, Ian.
If I didn't already love the living shit out of you, I'd still think so.
What you are and have become
Fascinates the shit out of me.
This give me great hope that there is more interesting stuff
To come in the future;
In the great "Out There".
Another truth about these headwaters, is it turns out to be badass. All the traits that may have vexed me (and others, most likely), are the ones I needed to get right here. I am perfectly built for the task at hand. Like a crawfish, my pincers, which here-to-fore have been awkward and treacherous (shredding the fabric of my old life), turn out to be great for cutting through the non-physical world. They're great for finding supper. I am not "too much"....too sensitive, emotional, brooding, impatient, blunt, demanding, wishy-washy, non-conformist or lazy. Set apart from others....alone. Each seeming flaw was a tool, placed in it's own compartment perfectly, so that I could draw on as needed. I don't dislike myself anymore. My heart and mind are once again on speaking terms. My tools just happen to go with a rocket ship better than a bicycle....when the ship was built, the tools could be used, and nothing was ever a mistake at all.
You knew I was built for space travel
And I had forgotten that I knew too.
Every day, literally, every day, I receive epiphanies and cheats from you, or God or Source.
I need a new word for the Energy that creates worlds.
Something more fitting, expansive, intimate....I look up and see a cloud, hear a song lyric, read an idea, or put two thoughts together differently and a piece drops into place. Yesterday, while walking a dog at PAWS, you caused my Spotify to play "Wonderful, Merciful Redeemer" and I suddenly knew that Jesus came with the re-gift of self-love; the liberation of true unconditional love of self and the power of worthiness... seeing that we are fit for every journey. As I am now.
There is a lot more to write about how last year I ceremoniously said goodbye to you with nothing but my own faith....how I hiked to the top of a spongy berm of permafrost in the Arctic, found a small fir tree and load it up with mementos and pieces of our life. Feathers, coins, plastic medals, strips of a t shirt that once smelled of you; beads, pictures, and your truck keys. How I accepted that these were to stand in memorial, facing due north, as the sun shines, birds pluck pieces for their nests, snow falls and time turns. Temporary is the point, you see.....infinite and finite....
And this makes me so happy. Your bigness is big enough to be there at the beginning, the middle and the end of all things. It makes me proud to know it; to be a part of something really fucking BIG. Biggun.....Someday, by some means, all these ornaments will dissolve back into the rock of Creation, but our love will remain.
So, back at the boat dock last Thursday, with my phone dark and in my pocket after listening to worship music, as I do sometimes, I was "imagining you in"......around my shoulder and hand in my hand. Chatting with you a little, keeping it light, as if we are together all the time.
You turned on my Spotify
Changed the channel to "Worship" to "Weird and Dark"
Played seven songs of love
In random order.
I paid attention to the message
Deliberate, sweet, perfect.
I only list them for posterity, I already knew as they played exactly what you meant.
SHALLOW
40 DOGS AND CIGARETTES
FEEL LIKE HOME
HEART FULL OF HOLES
QUESTIONS
OVER THE HILL
HOLDING IN THE WORLD
All perfectly picked, starting with a tender love story about suicide, and ending with a hard rock anthem I have loved and listened to for 20 years by Bob Schneider. Here is the message you sent:
"Mom, the depth of our love and connection made my leap to non-physical perplexing for you, but we are two living cells in a vast beating heart. We love deeply and there is perfection in our connection. We will be together again and we will have fun. WE are tribe, we are home to each other, and there is so much mystery yet to be explored together. Let talk about all this more and when you need me, I am right here still. We are badasses....wondrously and perfectly made. And, by the way, Mom, we are the Headwaters."
How could I want more than that?
Love,
Mom
