Monday, November 25, 2019

Visitation Dream

Dream Visitation

I am climbing a vast, steep cliff. 
Seemingly endless wall above me and a chasm beneath.
Alone ascending, exactly how long I have been here or where I am going is indiscernible.

 Around me is a smear of mist or fog. All I can see is the vertical.

My body is so very tired. I cannot tell if it is physical or emotional.
I am utterly spent. There is no more effort that can be drawn from muscle nor will; 

I don't want to climb anymore.
I want to let go and drop.

I hear all around certain voices speaking softly to me, but one is actually physically present. I see no human forms. Whispers of love and encouragement telling me to climb higher.

Perhaps they are the voices of souls, I think? Above the whispers I hear the  a louder, closer, familiar voice of Cokie Roberts from NPR. In my waking mind I remember that she died recently and that I liked her...but beyond that I have never really thought about her before. She urges me to climb, to keep going...not to give up. There is warmth, strength and a bit of sternness in her voice. She coaches me to go on.

The climb is so so hard. There was that  agonizing feeling when there is not one more step that can be taken, one more pull or lift; when the effort is endless and muscles are jello.

I freeze in place and cling. The voices of souls are all around, above and below, encouraging me to keep at it; I look up and see them looking down and me and maybe reaching out hands from the top of a ledge or mesa? I could now see it,  and always Cokie is around me telling me I can do it. There is a tremendous awareness of not being alone...of being helped and loved.

(I say the entities weren't human and were clearly not from this plane of consciousness, but it was just a feeling I had; an image or intuition sparked by an article Carrie sent me yesterday.  It was called "Fifteen ways to develop one's 6th sense",  or "third eye" as Elijah has called it. The ability to remember that we all possess the ability to see other levels of consciousness if we try. Combining, in my mind, in the middle of this strange dream are thoughts on transformation versus change that I have found lately.  Change, that slow, slogging march....which takes so much effort and is exhausting, while transformation is immediate, magical, God-fueled. It offers the possibility of not just surviving, but transcending: 

 Deepak Chopra's promise of true alchemy

  Elijah's glimpses beyond the veil

 Kingsolver's reminder that a hermit crab can still feel 
  high tide after being taken 500 miles from the ocean

   Jesus's misty metaphors that stir my heart....

All swirl together and I wonder if this is how I can again have a living, thriving relationship with Ian again in real time. I know I need to live the rest of the days God has given me, but if I do it by the traditional way, "by the books", it will only be survival. If I figure out a way to transmute the pain; to transform myself the way two poisons can bond to create a miraculous and life-giving new water.....then that would feel worthy. That would be good and right and true.

These thoughts are happening in my waking mind as I remain in my dream state...clinging to that cliff as if I am processing all this as it happens. Drinking it in and making sense of it while still sound asleep.)

So back to my dream..... I am still climbing, nothing left in me but the will now borrowed from the voices in the mist.  At last, I pull myself up and I make it. I climb up onto the platform with a flood of relief and to the rousing  joy cries of the others around me, now touching and congratulating me.

I am surrounded by love.

Suddenly, out of no where, the souls move aside and Ian walks toward me, his usual golden self-light glowing. He comes to me, he is about my height so I guess he is around 13 years. I remember him so well at this age, when he started birding with me. It was the age when he got certified to scuba dive. He grabs me and hugs me so tight. Not uncomfortable or restricting, but firm and deep and complete. He wraps himself all around me and every cell in my body can feel him holding me. 

I am enveloped in his arms and it feels so good;  We blend together like the mystery of carbon and oxygen that combine to form something altogether new. Water..... In my dream I feel the comfort of this knowing and I am reassured that there is another path.The multiverse (along with Cokie Roberts, oddly)  promises to send provisions. 

Lovely boy you are here, there and everywhere with me.

I wake up sad at having to come back to this world, but at least I have the feeling of your arms around me and what may now come.  

I thank you God for my eyes that see.

I love you Ian.    

Friday, November 15, 2019

The Essence

The Essence
of all things is emptiness......


Monday, November 4, 2019

silent witness

Silent Witness

                                    Dear Ian,
I read somewhere:

 "Hearing truth is like breathing air from a forgotten world."

 I think this is true, baby.
 So today I am reading through
 some of the embers of truth
 that I find in this fire; 
This hell.....

"Something Unknown
Wants to be known....."

"Sometimes I feel entirely defeated.
And then I come to a place like this (in nature)
And a small courage takes hold of me,
And I feel fitter for things."

"You will notice that you only have a self
When you are in trouble."

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation, and die with their songs still inside them."

"As you do not know the path of the wind
Or how the body is formed in a mother's womb
So you cannot understand the work of God,
The Maker of all things." 

"The story writes the the same time the life is writing the story."

"I feel like a part of my soul
Has loved you
Since the beginning of everything.
Maybe we are from the same star?"

"I am Leeched by loss."

"Mom, thank you for everything you do for me.
 You are the best thing in my life.
 My life is a half-circle right now, but with you in my life it is a full circle.
 Everything you do for me makes my heart shine. 
 Love, your boy Ian." 5th grade

"Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know...."

"I wanted to talk to someone, but who?
It's in moments like this, 
when you need someone the most, 
that your world seems smallest."

"And Now there is just empty space
Vibrating human used to be."


Thanks to:

Deepak Chopra
 H. D. Thoreau
Emily Dickenson
Pam Houston
Emery Allen
Ian Ray
Pema Chodrin
Rachel Cohen