Thursday, April 12, 2018


God's voice has softened below even a whisper, to a tiny inaudible hum. I wonder Why god doesn't speak louder during dark times? Why does He become so still? He is like that coldest moment, just before dawn when I have been sleeping in a tent or on the bow of a boat with nothing between me and the world but a frosted breath and a blanket, the moment every creature of the wild knows each day. That coldest moment, do you know it?

Just a vague sense of light about to come, easily mistakable as the morning, but it is not. Everything at full stop and it is the last moments of deepest sleep for the daytime creatures: the birds, the bugs, deer, rabbits, humans. Even the wind has ceased. You can hear your own heart and breath but nothing else. So cold and still...

But not like death.

No, death is not what I feel in this cold place, I feel that hush just before an inhale when the lungs are empty and I have to want to draw air back in-but just not yet. Every breath is a choice, I empty my lungs and decide whether I want to have another go at it. It is that pause. That is what God is like right now. Full stop...and only memory tells me that there is still life, waiting for God to enlist another inhale from my body; for the sun to rise and the world to open up crusty eyes and want to look for breakfast.

I don't know much anymore. My faith and understanding of life has been rattled so badly I don't know where I will land, but I am sure of this. I don't think God is mean. God is love, or something very near it....Maybe God can only be fueled by Love. Maybe we are the respiratory system of a living God. He may require us as we require Him?

In my current still, chilly twilight I can still sense a soft of love of some sort still there-I feel it in the love I have for Chris, Kenzie and Hudson. He is starting to smile and coo....Oh Lord, that stirs in me the desire to breath again, just for a moment.I feel it in Mariana's soft tears, texts from Jenny and Marion, the colored ribbons you send me almost daily in a sunset, moth, or eerie cry of a hawk.

And in the memories of how well you and I loved each other. No one who loved as well as you could be anywhere but bathed in love, and I believe you are. As my rainbow interpretation told are "Luminous awareness and Bliss", and that is the gift you have always given your Momma.