Monday, August 20, 2018


 I'm reading about Elizabeth's miraculous pregnancy with John the Baptist and Mary's pregnancy with Jesus. Both were devoted to God, or so Luke says, but both were dubious...could this really be happening? Two vessels, charged with bringing forth the herald of Christ and the Christ child himself. One very old and one too young. Both chosen. Why? Why are certain people sometimes plucked out of the garden of humanity for special missions? Is everyone hand-picked for a small or lark task, or is there a cosmic "pecking order", or does God single some out for the really important tasks? And why?

Mary and Elizabeth had the extra boost to feel blessed that was bestowed on them through the receiving of the Holy Spirit. Not in a tiny trickle, but a great big shot. It was so powerful that John jumped in Elizabeth's womb, as if a small bomb went off. They got a sure sign. I envy that. Imagine being given a sure sign, instead of a vague mish-mosh of "maybe's or possibly's". 

Well,  didn't get jolt of the Holy Spirit, Ian, but o many times in your life I have felt immensely blessed and anointed to be your Momma. In fact, I have felt God bestowed a sacred charge on me too; a special appointment to raise you-I sometimes would think I was the only one who could understand and love you fiercely enough to match the fire of such a wild and determined spirit as you.

Your rebelliousness matched the same in myself, Ian. While i didn't always like the challenges and was weary from it sometimes, I am so glad I was your Mom. I got you, maybe not in the cosmic way I am now beginning to feel, but I really did feel our souls knew each other.

From you as a baby laying in my arms and the secret craving I had to be with you all the time, to the dirty-fingered, flat-footed barefoot toddler carrying fists full of rocks and feathers; to the young child following me through the house asking question, after question, after question. Such wonderful and deep questions. Curious hands, curious mind, and a curious heart. Zero patience for just needed to know it all NOW.

I loved the things about you that annoyed others..."fuck them", I secretly thought... and I think you secretly knew that I was thinking that...what a nice thing we shared. So of course I felt blessed that you and I belonged to an exclusive club of rebellious, curious seekers. God how I love that thought. So blessed that you were such a large spirit and I got you.

So blessed that even when you got sick and  broke my heart 1,000 ways, somewhere inside I kept an iron vault filled with unending forgiveness both immediate and complete. God gave me that as well. It came with the package of YOU.

Then the blessing turned. It turned into a sudden and icy slam in my soul. The very fire that fueled our love: that fueled your earthly course.....was suddenly frozen and gone. Gone. It was as if  the golden ribbon to which we were both clinging; the tether I held for 23 years, slipped from my fingers and you floated along with it off into the vast unknown. gone. 

I don't feel blessed anymore, baby. Did Mary and Elizabeth feel the same shock and horror when their son's fell? Imprisoned, beheaded, crucified? 

I like to imagine that all the historians had it wrong. Maybe they punched their fists in the air at the seeming betrayal and unfairness of it as I so often do, and questioned the wisdom of Divine Will.

So here is the lonely truth; the darkest place; the nastiest riddle. Mothers of great souls have to eventually read the fine print and accept the end of the story along with the blessing of being bound to such wild souls. It is the place I live these days alone, as I imagine Mary and Elizabeth did; perhaps hoping to hear (as I do) the sweet voice of a loving God.