Conjuring

Conjuring

I'm almost free of September.

Almost free from the web of remembrance. The grip of its bonds.

 

Twas indeed better than last year because of this strange way you and I are evolving in life together. Physical and non-physical practicing a new dance. I am allowing myself a new frame of understanding and it has given you back to me. Sort of......

You are still you

Still Ian

still that familiar son, boy, teen, man.

I recognize the essence of you immediately and without a single doubt.

This bold pronouncement is as delicate as the most delicate;

As delicate as a dandelion tuft;

As delicate as a wisp of  the smallest part of a shimmer of sun on wings.

I conjure you up as I walk or pet Phoebe, as I sit on our couch.

I conjure your arm around me or hand in my hand hiking.

Our chins tip north when I look at clouds

And south to examine a bug, 

Both our knees bending us low.

Always you are just behind me

Or beside me.

My memory brings forth your voice and gait, and often the tenor and timber of  your humor and attitude.  It is the low, mature sound of a fully grown man.

I absolutely feel you.

All the way through

and around and within.

I am told that when I think of you, it is because you are already thinking of me.

I love that thought.

Our minds with no barriers.

I don't share you with a girl

Or a job

Or with drugs.

You ask, I am here

I ask, you are here.

Yet this wisp of a dream of knowing....this possibility....is new and challenging to hold.

Some days as easy as a dive into warm water;

Some days I balance on one foot with muscles burning

Just to hold you for one more second.

Then I topple and I am back in this world.

It is I that release you first, strange to say, I go back to this other life.

Memories do not serve. 

They burn and scorch and leave me in ruin.

A while back you and Elijah and I were talking about my need to let you go.

"You have to let me go, Mom, so we can be together in this new way. Those days are over, and they're never coming back. That incarnation of me is finished." As you said this, you showed Elijah an image of you in silhouette, walking away, dissipating into particles and becoming a part of all.

I understood. 

My love allowed me to feel the truth and peace of it.

I felt the joy of you going on a great trip or off to college and on a deeper level I guess I knew that it ok.

This is the fascinating aspect of conjuring. 

We accumulate experiences

Imagine things into form

Incorporate and assimilate and move forward as it is the only way.

Holding onto the pictures and mementos

Turns out to be for naught.

Gone, gone, gone beyond....

Gone forever and beyond.

So step on forward.

Daily now, I point my compass north, bat away memories and cast my net toward the downstream flow of this. I conjure the doorway back to you today, and accept again that there is a Source of all things...

sometimes I feel It's presence above my head. I feel sparkles.

You and I are in and of this Source,

Though I only get to have you through a different type of sight.

And so, My dearest, My Ian,

My son, my friend, my partner in this strange trek.....

Thank you for leading me 

Where I never knew I could go.

                                        Love, 

                                                   Momma