Learning Time
In the other time
In the happy time;
Time of sticky fingers,
pillows that smelled of sweaty cheeks and kisses.
The buzz of life being lived
And my skin full of touches and hugs of small people.
In the other time
When I was more happy, life was less vivid than now.
Bleared and muted by life being lived.
Not crisp and intense like now;
Not shrill or intense or sharp-edged like now....
Less intricate.
My heart all full with filling and no yearning
To draw my gaze.
Maybe that is the point
The real point of now...
Of all this sudden intense looking;
All of this seeing.
Maybe this is the moment of reckoning; of another birth.
As I walk through this field and my eyes are drawn to smaller and more intricate things.
Hungry to see whatever I can see, to distract me from
Clinging to the other time
And find what still is good on this Earth.
Every tiny bug, every winged and crawling bit of life
Finds my eye
Captures me
Seems important to note.
Step off the path
Into the weeds
Avoid the flowers and webs
Be a gentle visitor.
Kneel down
Kneel down really close and feel the other life drift away
Where I used to see just a thistle
Purple and straight
As I passed by on my way to chase a little boy down....
Now I see the purple thistle with a green crab spider
Waiting to snare God knows what.....
And two beetles boring into the pollen up to their asses
And one of my golden bees;
Big and beautiful spinning in a circle,
And the acrid smell of the bloom rotting, dropping the fading lavender fronds to the grass below.
What is all this new precision in seeing for?
Look deeper
Look deeper
Look deeper
What am I looking for?
Desire for beauty is the velvet cord
Pulling me back slowly
Pulling me back slowly
To the desire for life.
And then to life.
Mourning, that threatens to squeeze my heart to a full stop,
Squeeze my heart to silence.....
Is rattled by moments of absurd and seemingly pointless curiosity
It is an electrical shock,
It is life support.
This is the Learning Time
The time I will remember more keenly
When my eyes and heart will align and become a laser
I am snagged by optimism
That after all it might be worth it
To stay and see who else
Might be be found in the purple thistle.
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