For Kyle (and Jacie)
Ian,
You already know that Kyle Holmes has transitioned;
I don't know if you were his friend, but he is loved by Jacie and his Momma and Dad,and by so many,
So I love him too.
Once we found each other for a moment a few years back. He was panhandling at the corner of Blanco rd. and 1604 by the big HEB. I offered him five dollars.
I did not know who he was, but he knew me.
"Ms. Ray? It's Kyle....I am so sorry about Ian, he was a really good guy...I am so sorry....." he said. His kindness was like a soft punch in my face. I grabbed both of his arms through the window of my car and hugged the part of him I could reach. He let me cry and hold him for a minute, like I could not hold you.
His eyes were so blue.
He looked really healthy-almost radiant with the sun shining behind his mop of blonde hair. Just like an aura.
NOT a halo, they are false.....halos are too laden with expectation; They don't capture the realness of how hard this life can be to a young man finding his way.....No....... it was an aura.....an energy that was coming from every pore in his body. He seemed Whole to me.
How can a man be living on the street,
Using drugs, panhandling......sleeping under a dirty blanket
And still be so Whole?
The truth of who he was seemed untouched by the tough circumstances in which he lived; the ones he chose for himself. He had the look that I feel you have now; the one I saw so many times as you grew from boy to man. Sometimes the clouds of human weariness, being lost and sad were there, too, but never for long. Those things pass.......Disappointments pass; betrayals, too..... Just like you, his Wholeness was the main thing I could see. You had the look of a beautiful, wild animal...lean and strong and free.......
Maybe it didn't mean a damn thing how clean his blanket was;
Whether the next meal comes
From a paycheck or a passerby.
He was Whole when I touched his arms,
And he is Whole now.
The door he walked through
When he exited this human place
Simply wiped away the unneeded bits
Of this physical life.
And he expanded back into a version of himself
Both ancient
And brand new.
Now, if he were my son here on Earth, this morning I would be in darkness. His Mom and Dad and Jacie must bear this. I would be filled with rage and longing and I would want to tear up this world and pull in the sky. I would be, as I was with you, furious and helpless, and lost. That is the burden of those who are not yet to the end of learning. The burden of letting go of beautiful Kyle. They persist, they wonder, they wait. They remember, with such bittersweetness. Those blue eyes and the soft voice.
But not me this morning.
Instead
I will hold the candle of his Wholeness.
I will remember how his goodness spilled over on me.
And I will be thankful for this perfect young man.
He is like a young wolf has been set free into the wilds of Canada.
He is a sea turtle that has been saved from tangled fishing lines and is quietly descending into a cerulean sea.
He is a bird set free into the vast morning sky.
He is Whole as ever he was;
From a babe in his Momma's arms,
To a man showing kindness to me
Through my car window.
Maybe he used that dirty blanket!
He bundled up
All the knowledge and wonder
He found as he lived the life he decided to live,
And took it with him
To a freer place.
To the best place for Kyle.....
Into the wild
Beyond.....
And he will make such interesting use of it,
Just like you.
Love,
Mom
