Motherhood
I'm reading about Elizabeth's miraculous pregnancy with John the Baptist and Mary's pregnancy with Jesus. Both were devoted to God, or so Luke says, but both were dubious...could this really be happening? Two vessels, charged with bringing forth the herald of Christ and the Christ child himself. One very old and one too young. Both chosen. Why? Why are certain people sometimes plucked out of the garden of humanity for special missions? Is everyone hand-picked for a small or lark task, or is there a cosmic "pecking order", or does God single some out for the really important tasks? And why?
Mary and Elizabeth had the extra boost of feeling the blessing that was bestowed on them through the receiving of the Holy Spirit. Not in a tiny trickle, but a great big shot. It was so powerful that John jumped in Elizabeth's womb, as if a small bomb went off.
They got a sure sign.
Angels came with trumpets.
I envy that.
Imagine being given a sure sign, instead of a vague mish-mosh of "maybe's or possibly's".
I got jipped.
I didn't get jolt of the Holy Spirit, Ian, but so many times I have felt immensely blessed and anointed to be your Momma. In fact, God bestowed a sacred charge on me too, even in my commonness;
I accepted a special appointment to raise you-
Sometimes I remember thinking that I was the only one on earth who could understand and love you fiercely enough to tolerate and appreciate your fire.
Your rebelliousness matched mine, Ian.
We cocked our heads as others said "Why" and retorted..."Why Not?"
I am so glad I was your Mom.
I got you, and our souls knew each other.
From you as a baby laying in my arms and the secret craving I had to be with you all the time, to the dirty-fingered, flat-footed barefoot toddler carrying fists full of rocks and feathers; to the young child following me through the house asking question, after question, after question. Such wonderful and deep questions. Curious hands, curious mind, and a curious heart. Zero patience for waiting....you just needed to know it all NOW.
I loved the things about you that annoyed others..."fuck them", I secretly thought... and I think you secretly knew that I was thinking that...what a nice thing we shared. So of course I felt blessed that you and I belonged to an exclusive club of rebellious, curious seekers.
God how I love that I got you.
So blessed that even when you got sick and broke my heart, somewhere inside I kept an iron vault filled with unending forgiveness.
Immediate
Complete
Unending
God gave me that as well.
It came with the package of YOU.
When the blessing turned, it landed as a sudden and icy slam to my soul. The very fire that fueled our love: that fueled your earthly course.....was suddenly frozen and gone. Gone. It was as if the golden ribbon to which we were both clinging; the tether I held for 23 years, slipped from my fingers and you floated along with it off into the vast unknown. GONE. I don't feel blessed anymore, baby. For the first time in my life...I do not feel blessed. It is a horrible feeling.
Did Mary and Elizabeth feel the same shock and horror when their son's fell? Imprisoned, beheaded, crucified?
I like to imagine that all the historians had it wrong. Maybe they punched their fists in the air at the seeming betrayal and unfairness of it as I so often do, and questioned the wisdom of Divine Will.
So here is the lonely truth;
The darkest place;
The nastiest riddle.
Mothers of great souls have to eventually read the fine print and accept the end of the story along with the blessing of being bound to such wild souls. It is the place I live these days alone, as I imagine Mary and Elizabeth did; perhaps hoping to hear (as I do) the sweet voice of a loving God.
Love,
Momma
